My partner is depressed, but so am I.

Like most spouses, my husband is my most valued confidant. When one of us is struggling with depression, though, the reality is those heavy emotions can weigh down the other person. In those instances, licensed marriage and family therapist Lisa Bahar said it helps to have separate support systems. That autonomy, she explained, “Serves as a ‘harm reduction’ plan, due to the high potential of one spouse's depression activating the other spouse's depression.” She suggested thinking of three people you can turn to when depressed and then giving that list to your partner so he or she can facilitate contact if necessary.

I know when I’m depressed, my instinct is to shut down. That’s a mistake, marriage and family therapist Vonda Schaefer told me. “Don’t give into that call to isolate and withdraw from your spouse,” she said. “Not only will your depression worsen, but your marriage will be weakened.” Even if you aren’t feeling up for deep conversation, Schaefer said to find small ways to stay engaged. She suggested planning healthy meals together—a win-win scenario because nutritious foods can help shorten the duration of a depressed period and “sharing the load of life” reminds us that we aren’t alone.

Before reaching a crisis point, Wade recommends reaching an agreement about goals—down to the specifics of when to get out of bed or how much television to watch. Then put that written daily routine someplace readily visible so you can both remain accountable. Sure, keeping the house clean is nice, but the main goal of this is for the note to serve as a “written reminder to keep living.”

Wade said many of her clients who struggle with depression “focus on a caged and stuck perception,” which prevents them from experiencing life—and their relationships—to the fullest. In these instances, Wade commonly recommends meditation, prayer, or starting a gratitude journal. This, she explained, “Can be helpful to moving a person’s focus from the problem, depression, and back to living his or her life.”

When my husband struggled with depression, my instinct was to throw myself into the situation and do whatever it took to make him feel better. As difficult as it may be, Wade said it’s essential to maintain your own hobbies and interests. The cost of neglecting those may be a recurrence of depression in you—and it won’t help your partner, either. Now that I know this, I see red flags all over the quote I’d posted on Facebook. Yes, I want my partner to be happy, but I also know I am best able to help him when I am taking the time to help myself.