What happens when we spend more time with our phones than our people

It’s safe to assume people have been ignored by their significant others for decades, with distractions ranging from newspapers, books, and television. Any leisure activity can take attention away from our partners. So why does it feel more annoying or hurtful when our partners are on tech devices during our time together than if they’re, say, reading a magazine?

The similarity between these distractions is that you’re taking yourself out of the relationship at the moment, says Friedland. “The relationship is based on you and me both having a sense that we're relating, sharing, receiving, and that we're listening. If I'm going to read the paper, you know that obviously I’m not relating at that moment, and it's a clear indication. The phone is different. Once you're on it, you're on it,” she says. In other words, when your partner is reading the paper, you know what is distracting them, but when your partner is on their phone, it’s hard to tell what they’ve deemed more important than interacting with you in that moment. It’s more about whether your partner is looking at you while you’re talking to them so you can read their emotions through their eye gaze and facial expressions to connect, says Friedland. When someone’s eyes are averted, it’s a sign they don’t want to engage. It’s not so much about whether they’re watching TV or scrolling through their emails, it’s about whether they put down what they’re doing and turn their attention to you so you know that they are engaged so you feel attended to, says Friedland. If your partner picks up their phone because a notification went off while you’re talking, it makes you feel like you are not their priority. That could make you question that if you’re not their priority, why are you with them? “If we want to feel closeness in a relationship … the assumption is that this is one of the most important people in the world to me,” says Friedland. “I want to feel safe and connected so that I can be open with some of my vulnerabilities, and I also feel that I have your full attention, so I can talk to you about things.” The basic human needs for control and attachment are at risk when we sense that our partner isn’t present, according to Roberts.

“Our research found that partner phubbing led to cell phone-related conflict that ultimately led to lower levels of reported relationship satisfaction. This is serious because when we are unhappy in love, we look elsewhere for our needs for intimacy. This could lead us to look to others ... to provide what we are not getting at home. But the negative ramifications of phubbing don’t stop there. Our research also found that those who are phubbed also report higher levels of stress and depression,” he says. The APA’s Stress in America survey results supports this, with two-thirds of Americans saying that they “somewhat or strongly agree that periodically ‘unplugging’ or taking a ‘digital detox’ is important for their mental health. However, only 28 percent of those who say this actually report doing so,” according to the press release.

Before you talk to your partner about how their smartphone use is grinding on your last nerve, Roberts suggests you first examine your own phone behavior. “If you need to improve as well, approach your partner that this is something you need to tackle together. If you point the finger at your partner without taking responsibility for your own behavior, it won’t go over well,” he says. Friedland suggests expressing how you’re feeling rather than simply harping on your significant other’s behavior. Tell your partner that you’d like to try an experiment where you both give each other undivided attention for 20 minutes or so each evening. “You could say, ‘This makes me feel closer, and better able to understand where you're coming from, to meet your needs, and feel more connected,’” she suggests. Friedland says these conversations work best when you can clearly see each other’s faces. Paying attention to your partner’s facial expressions can help you better understand how you’re communicating and whether something was well received. Once you notice your partner curbing their smartphone use around you, remember to thank them for their efforts and let them know that you appreciate their willingness to change. “Positive reinforcement is a cornerstone to encouraging desired behaviors,” says Roberts.