Birthday Scaries

Hey, it's Dora. Before we start this episode which addresses aging, I wanna mention that this was recorded before I turned 30, and I'm happy to say, I survived, and it's even pretty nice to be 30. So something to keep in mind while listening. Now let's start the show. (gentle music) Headspace Studios. (tranquil music) Hello, hello, and welcome back to "Sunday Scaries." So pretty soon something wonderful yet equally terrifying is going to happen to me. I will be turning 30. I know, I know, I may seem a bit dramatic, but I can't help it. For months this has been turning into a big deal for me, and I kind of just have to accept that this is how I'm processing it by being dramatic. Each Sunday marks the week that I'm getting closer and closer to the big day. When I sit with how I'm feeling about turning 30 a lot of different emotions come up, fear of getting older, the uncertainty of what life can bring, and the fear of the unknown. At times, if I'm being honest, I also experience disappointment, not so much being disappointed about aging, but mostly disappointed in myself for being so scared of aging. I know that this fear is normal, and I know that this happens to everyone, and it's a part of life, but as of late I've been having a difficult time accepting it and leaning into it. The other thing I've noticed is that I feel totally confused about how growing older works in the sense of setting ourselves up for success. Like do I have enough retirement set aside? Am I really going to be working for the next three or four decades? Is this it? Is this what life is about? In realizing how worried and anxious I am, I couldn't help but compare myself to an actual older person, my mom. When I interact with her she doesn't have a sense of dread. She's happy and she's healthy. She's not living in fear like I currently am. And same with my dad. Ever since I could remember he's always told me that age is a state of mind. You're only as old as you feel. So this had me thinking, why am I afraid? My earliest memory dates back to when I was eight and had experienced my first loss. My aunt who was always hip, happy, and healthy suddenly passed away. I remember vividly being so confused about where does she go now? What's next and when will this happen to me? I think those feelings of uncertainty and unknown have stuck with me ever since. Aging is a reminder of the impermanence of life, and mortality, and I know your mortality is never very fun to think about because no matter what age you are, getting older, the weeks passing by, this change is scary, yet inevitable. But honestly, if there's one thing I've learned in this lifetime, it's that...